What is Above the Clouds

A few months ago, I flew back from SLC to Seattle.  Although I had given myself plenty of time originally, everything that could go wrong did.  I missed my flight.  I arrived at the gate running, sweaty and exhausted.  I told myself, "If that plane crashes I will have quite a story."  Instead of the purpose being to protect me from something, the purpose of missing that morning flight was to show me something I had never even considered.  I was rerouted via Denver.  On the final leg home, I got to see one of the most beautiful things ever - a sunset over clouds as far as the eye could see.

As we landed, we dropped from the spectacular beauty into the familiar wet and darkness.  While in the grey skies, I never considered what occurred OVER the darkness, what was there all along.

This experience was an epiphany for me and a metaphor for my life.  The last years of my marriage and the first years of my divorce have been difficult and seemingly never ending cloud cover.  I had hoped there was light at the end of the tunnel.  What I didn't realize is that the light was there all along, above me.  Like Dorthy and her Kansas, the power to get there was also there all along.

If Dorothy had known of her power from the beginning, we would have missed a great movie and a great adventure.  If the rise above my clouds had been instant, I would have missed out on learning and reconnecting with who I am and what I have to offer and all that Heaven wanted to teach me.

One of the greatest gifts of my divorce has been reconnecting with my life's work and passion.  I work with clients who struggle with eating disorders (which happens to be a cloud cover in their life).  I see myself as one of the beacons pointing them upward and inward to learn what they came here to learn about themselves.

So, next time we find ourselves deep in the dark cloud cover, remember what is going on above the clouds and allow ourselves to rise up and into that light.

Being Open to What is Out There

Wow.  It is really hard to put myself out there again.  I am so used to protecting myself and keeping strict boundaries, knowing I could have been potentially tempted by anyone who was nice to me due to being without kindness for so long.  Also, the confidence is shaken.  And I am not as pretty, young, thin as I used to be...

Actually, the confidence wasn't even there when I was young, pretty and thin, now that I think about it.  I have grown so much.  I love who I am and how I look.  I look for someone who will really love me for who I am and how I look...do not have time or energy for anyone who won't...

I have been on an online LDS dating website for a few months.  Tonight was the first time I really chatted online with someone.  I have left many past messages unreturned.  And nearly all leave my messages unreturned  That has been disappointing  and humbling.  But I keep hoping...

Tonight I chatted with two guys.  The first was great.  We found many, many things in common -almost too many.  His name is my brother's name and my name is his sister's name (one of six sisters - yikes).  We both come from families whose children names all start with J's.  We went to the same JC and like football and follow BYU sports.  We both work with troubled youth...

Feeling confident I started a conversation with a guy who had a great pic of him looking like he was running away from a dinosaur statue.  His handle is "bigsxxee".  Yes, he is that confident.  And he was "working" while chatting with me.  Only answered questions, instead of asked them.  Found out quickly he was not interested.  The story of my life and my marriage actually.  I married someone who was just "not the into me." And I will not do it again.  I am tempted by and attracted to guys who are not that into me, because somewhere I developed the belief that I don't deserve love. 

I mentioned I would tell the story about how my dear friend became my sister in law.

My brother JF was divorced.  I mentioned before it was a pretty brutal divorce.  His ex is extremely difficult and volitile.  I would not wish her on my worst enemy, let alone my best friend.  Thusly, when my friend became single, I did not want to set her up with my bro because of his ex.

Fast forward two years, possibly three...I had gone home for a visit.  My brother had lost a lot of weight.  His jeans looked terrible on him, really loose but held together with a belt so the pants all gathered in.  It was not pretty -especially for an F-15 pilot.  So, he took me jean shopping...  He was a nut.  We laughed so hard.  We were at Kohl's for over an hour. He was posing.  I was giving him tips on jeans that did not make his butt look fat.  J/k.  His butt looked great.  The girl totally thought we were dating...

When I returned home, my frield KO was lamenting her most recent dating experiences...she said, "I just need someone who is a good LDS member (though not uptight) and someone with a great sense of humor and a good job."  She described my brother.  I told her.  Then she and I started fantacizing about it.

Three months later, my brother was in town and I set them up.  It was pretty much love at first sight.  Their courtship was fast.  Everyone panicked a bit.  I kept assuring our family on JF's side and friends from her side that each one was amazing and they were perfect for eachother.  It had a very meant to be feel.  I told my mom two days after their first date that they would get married.  They did about 4 months later and are very happy together.  They match and click in many, many ways...

In fact, they click in the most important ways:  they are two small town, redneck kids who went out into the world made something of themselves; they are faithful LDS members who drink Pepsi on occasion; they both are hillarious; they both have two kids; and they love each other dearly - valuing the whole person.  They believe it is better they found each other now instead of in their 20's so they can truly love and appreciate one another, which they do.  Their eyes light up - hers as she brags about what a great math tutor he is and how he can and does fix anything.  And she rushes to the door when he gets home from work and jumps into his arms with a great big hug and kiss.  I have never seen anything like it.  I am so happy for them and humbled to have played a small role.

They are hoping to return the favor to me.  I love having someone looking out for me.  Especially since it is pretty brutal out there...which brings me back to where we started.  On of JF's biggest complaints dating was girls who were bitter or hopeless.  I remember admiring in my fried KO that she was so "open" to a new relationship.  She might have been too open in that she dating some not so great guys but she backed off before making a mistake.  I think that is our job as single LDS women: to not be jaded, angry or bitter; to be open but not blind.  It is our job not to recreate our old relationship but use this 2nd chance to wait for someone who is the best match for us.  It is scary and not a lot of fun.  Mostly it is not fun.  But looking at my brother and best friend so well matched, it is worth it...

Good luck out there, sistas!

"...Wherefore, Ye Must Press Forward..."

2 Nephi 31:20 Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.

I remember when I started the divorce process, it seemed impossible to navigate.  I remember thinking, "I will never get through this."  I felt like I was walking through slowly drying cement.

One thing I held on to was the answer I had received when praying about divorce.  I had been reading, searching, studying, fasting and praying for months.  MFH and I had had several discussions about it.  We had sought out a counselor to see if there was anything we could do to preserve the marriage.

At one point, I was pretty discouraged.  My bishop asked me to fast with him and invite my family to participate.  I asked them to put us in their prayers and told them I could not give them the specifics of what to ask for.  I started my fast on a Saturday afternoon.  I woke up in the middle of that night feeling a tremendous amount of peace with the words, "amicable divorce".

I attended a fireside that next day.  The speaker shared the scripture he shared with me in a private session of Moroni and his love for the Lamenites even after he had witnessed them destroying his people, the verses in Ether 12 and Moroni 1 of his love for them - but the fact he could not "dwell with them...lest they destroy him."  He also talked in the fireside about the fruits of the Spirit - all of which I have had in abundance that weekend - love, peace, joy, among others...

I had been singing, Amazing Grace for the weeks previous in my head.  (It was after the earthquake in Haiti.  I had seen on the news a group singing it in front of their demolished church.)  I decided to listen to it professionally sung and found a beautiful acapella version of Amazing Grace on YouTube by Hayley Westenra.   I scrolled down the playlist, listening to many of her songs, while cleaning the house.  I had a dialogue in my head that I had started at 3am that morning of the things I want my husband to know and feel.  I came to a duet with Hayley and Andrea Bocelli singing  Time to Say Goodbye and felt an even more powerful feeling that this was the right direction for us.  

I was asked a few times by well meaning ward and family members if I had prayed about the divorce and if I had received an answer.  It seems counter-intuitive to our LDS culture that one could get a "yes" answer to a prayer about divorce.  Many were surprised when I told them that I had received confirmation to divorce.  I am so grateful for that spiritual confirmation as it carried me through many dark and difficult days that were ahead (and continue now) for me in that journey.  I had to (and still have to) continue to "... press forward... having a perfect brightness of hope and love of God and all men..." 

Yes, that "all men" includes my former husband.  Staying in a place of love for him has laid the foundation for many, many miracles in this divorce.  The main one being that we are better friends and coparents today than ever before.  He has been generous financially and our boys are doing remarkably well under the cirmcumstances.  My youngest recently brought home a paragraph he wrote about our family in school.  The closing line was, "My life is pretty great so far."  A miracle.  Yes, it is.  I am humbled by it and give all the credit to Heavenly Father for His guiding hand in leading me through this process, forward out of darkness into a "perfect brightness of hope".

Much love to you my sistas.  We can make it through!

Beyond Exhaustion

I said before that this was not a venting place - but lest you think my divorce has been a bed of roses, it has not.  The worst times for me are just before bed and in the morning before school.  I am sure this is a lack of good parenting skills, but I am exhausted when it is all said and done, telling, reminding, asking, re-asking my 8 and 10 year old boys to get ready for bed.  Same with the steps to get ready for school.  I would love feedback (if anyone ever joins and  reads this site :).

I did take away the xbox this week and it has been a much better place.  May have to keep it gone until the routines are down without me having to direct them.  I think there is a scout page with a box to check off of all the things to be done...

Too tired to look now.  Gonna call it a night...

Allowing Him a New Role in Our Lives

Several years ago, my former husband (MFH) and I bought an L-shaped couch.  We had a disagreement on which side should be the long side and which the short side.  I gave in and regretted it when it was delivered.  It was the wrong way for that room in our house.  Not a day went by when I was laying or sitting on the couch that I hadn't wished that I held stronger and "won" the disagreement and made it the way it "should have been".

Fast forward five years.  When I moved out of our home, I moved into the only place I could afford in our elementary school district - a condominium complex.  I fell in love with my unit.  Some of the things that bugged me about our house (which had been picked out for me), were not an issue in the condo. 

And low and behold, guess what?  The couch that was so wrong in my old house was PERFECT for my new house.  And this room is much smaller and much less forgiving than the other room.  And not a day goes by that I don't bless him for being so insistent on the way to have the couch made because it is perfect for us now.

After an exchange about getting information MFH needed for the boys, he said, "You don't have to worry..."  I said, "I don't worry.  You are the best ex-husband a girl could ask for."  Funny how he was not a good fit for a husband.  But he is a perfect fit for an exhusband.  It is ironic and reminds me of the couch.  Just changing his setting has made it so much better.

You Can Still Love Him Because that is Who You Are

One of my favorite forms of self care is a Body Flow class at my gym.  Body Flow is a combination of Tai Chi, Yoga and Pilates.  In one of my very first classes, I was forming a move called the triangle.  I was thinking of my then husband and had the thought, "How do I stop loving him?"  Just as quickly came the response, "You don't stop loving him.  Because that is who you are.  You are love."

That was a huge epiphany and such a relief.  I have tried to move the romantic love to a compassionate, friend type love.  I am no longer in love with him.   But I do still love him.  I want his happiness and wellbeing.  I want him in the lives of our boys forever.  Since I, too, am in the lives of my boys - that means he is and will be in my life - especially until the boys are grown and gone. 

I have joined a LDS singles' website.  This is not doing anything to attract men, but my opening paragraph is , "I am permanent to the area as my boys' well being is my top priorty and their relationship with their dad is vital for that wellbeing, so I will not date outside my area."  There are not a lot of local options online.  As much as I long for a loving, compatible marriage relationship, I do not want it at the expense of my boys' maintaining a strong relationship with their dad.

Fortunately, I have also been able to maintain a relationship with my former inlaws.  My former husband's (MFH) sister is the sister I never had.  While she was aware of some of our challenges (most of which could be and were observed rather than divulged), I never wanted to jeopardize her love for her brother.  And she maintains her love for us both.  MFH and I have not made any of our family members or friends choose between the two of us.  I have received many emails, cards, letters and calls from his family members expressing their love and support for both of us.  I am grateful for that.  I want to maintain my relationship with them.  I love them dearly as I do my own family of origin.  What a blessing to still have them in my boys' and my life.

Surrounding Ourselves with Support

You can probably see right now from my posts that I am trying to share those things that have helped me through this very difficult time of my life. Here is another one :)

I believe seeking support is such a balance to strike in our lives and especially when we are going through some very challenging times in marriage. We definitely need a support system. But at the same time we need privacy. Privacy kept me quiet for a very long time. I only began opening up as I saw people Heavenly Father had put in my life and saw that they could be trusted.  That is not to say that I have not been burned.  I have been.  But it did not stop me from finding a great network of help.

The first person I had in my support system was my BFF. She had known all along of my challenges. I am so glad I had a trusted person to share everything with over the years. This is tricky as it is hard to find a friend who will a) keep confidences and b) listen without judgment. She had a talent for always being able to still hold a positive opinion about my former husband (MFH). (I believe we both had a role in that - her role was not judging him and my role was not vilifying him. My whole goal was not to demean or present him in a bad light - but to find help for us.)

My mom had also been someone I shared a lot of my life with. But as things worsened in my marriage, I had stopped telling her about those marital challenges as I did not want to change how she felt about my husband. She had adored him. (And at the same time, she recognized his stinker boy-ness. If I had a dollar for every time I heard, "That ornery little s*&%!" :) I did not fool her though by my withdrawal. She knew something was wrong. (I was never good at trying to pull one over on her.) And she was waiting for me when I did open up with open arms.

Another source of support is church leadership. About one and a half years ago, I went to a leader in my stake presidency. I went to him because he had a therapeutic background. He was extremely insightful and helpful. He talked to me for a while then gave me a blessing. After the blessing, he sat down again and asked a few more questions. I could tell he was on to identifying one of our challenges. However, instead of agreeing to meet with me on an ongoing basis, he pointed me the direction of my bishop. I was disappointed in that because my bishop was MFH's best friend. It ended up being good advice. My bishop was a wonderful support as well. If anyone could have intervened and helped our situation, it was him. MFH trusted him and looked up to him. However, his attempts to change our situation did not succeed. Agency is a powerful principle. And perception is its main tool. Anything can be justified by one's perception. It has so much power that we don't recognize that there is any other perspective other than our own. We also don't recognize how life and, I believe; the adversary distorts and clouds our perception so much that it barely resembles reality.

About four months after that meeting with the stake presidency member, I ran into him at a General Relief Society meeting. He called me over and opened his arms to give me a hug and asked how I was doing. I told him not to do that as I would cry, which I did. A few days later, I got a call from my Bishop with an offer from the presidency member to see me for a few visits. He was truly a godsend. I felt like he picked me up and dusted me off and pointed me the right direction with a gentle nudge and got me on my way. Two of the powerful things he did was a) helped me to resolve or put into perspective some of my "challenges" I was having with the Church. (This I see in retrospect was extremely urgent because I have needed Heavenly Father more in my life now than at any other time.) and b) he shared a powerful insight from the Book of Mormon. He got knee to knee with me and looked me straight in the eye and opened up Moroni 1. He talked about how much love Moroni had for the Lamenites - so much so that he finishing his father's life's work of compiling all the records of the Book of Mormon for "their benefit". This after the Lamenites had killed his father and family and all of his people. Moroni still had a love for them. However, as the presidency member pointed out in Moroni 1:1, "...I make not myself know to the Lamenites lest they should destroy me." (Italics added for emphasis.) It was a powerful moment for me for many reasons. The main being I could still love MFH and at the same time I needed to not be with him as I was being destroyed. And I was.

After a few visits with the presidency member, I ended up going to a therapist for ongoing visits. He, too, was invaluable. He taught me about so many things which I will write about in other posts.

There are several other people who were invaluable for me during this time: some I have written about and some I will write about in more detail in future posts. The list will look different for every person but I believe the categories could be similar:

1) Trusted friends.  To be honest, I cannot list all the friends who have helped me over the past few years. There are been so many women who love me and have been concerned about me.  They have sent emails; dropped off food, flowers, and books; gone on walks; had late night phone calls; girls night out; girl's weekend trip to California (a very generous girlfriend).  Very helpful have been the ones who have gracefully gone through their own divorce (one of whom is now my sister in law - a fun story for another day...)  Friends have been priceless.

2) Family member/s (meaning family of origin). Many people have a sister. I do not, but I had my mom and ironically MFH sister.  My brothers have also helped a lot at various times: I have the brother who had gone through his own divorce, a brother who is an attorney who helped me with legal questions (as well as gave me lots of love and support) and lastly my "Buddha brother" (if you have ever seen any of the "Buddies" movies you will understand). My Buddha brother is a wise man. He taught me about meditation and some advanced life skills that have been essential in my forward movement and progression.

3) Church leaders. Most of the time, this will be a Bishop. It was so helpful to have Spiritual reinforcement of the decisions I was making and the whole process I was experiencing.  Notibly, half way through my divorce process we had a change in our relief society presidency.  Our new president had been through divorce (over 13 years ago).  She has been a rock for me and a true example of overcoming this difficult situation.  She is also a beacon of hope as she has found a WONDERFUL match and new husband.

4) Therapist. Every time I write out a check I think, "This is worth every penny." I will share some of the skills and things I have learned on later posts. Sometimes it takes a little "shopping around" to find a good match.

5) Attorney. It took me four tries to find a good match for me in this category. I will share more about this on another post.

I am sure I am missing a category as this list is not exhaustive - but hopefully it will help you in your journey of coming out of this process in standing position and facing the right direction :) as it has for me. 

Much Love to You my Sistas!