Keep Moving Forward

During the traumatic and dark last years of my marriage, I often found myself immobile.  I was in despair and depressed and some days could barely function.  My spirit was a mere shadow of itself.  I had a few brave souls who noticed it and commented on it.  One was my friend and roommate from my college years.  She said it was scary to see me at that time.  The light had left me.  She had come to town for work and stopped by for a visit.  After she returned home, she sent me a book with photos depicting the Savior's life and encouraged me to reconnect with the strong faith I had had in our youth.

Another person who saw my depressed state was my neighbor.  Ironically, at the time, we were just really well acquainted, not good friends.  We saw each other in group/neighborhood parties or when we borrowed baking ingredients from each other.  We rarely hung out or called each other. One day my neighbor came by to borrow Saran Wrap.  She spoke with me for several minutes.  She kept bringing up things that were in line with some of the searching I had been doing.  Finally, as she stood to say goodbye I felt I should tell her about my situation.  I did.  Then we talked for a long while.  She said she just knew something was wrong and that I just was not in a good place. 

After that, my neighbor and I started to walk together.  One day we had had a good walk and very nice talk.  She said, "I just see such good things for you in your future."  We rounded the corner and literally there was a double rainbow which from our angle or perspecitve looked like one end was directly entering my house.  The double irony in it was one of the last times I remembered seeing a double rainbow was on my wedding day.  It had a divine feel, a message of hope for my future no matter which path it took.

Reaching out was a catch-22 situation for me.  I needed to keep our struggles private to protect my boys from knowing.  But I also needed to develop a support system.  I could not deal healthily with this situation on my own.  My therapist calls is "opening your circle of support".  He encouraged it all along.

Looking back now, I see how messages, people and situations were placed directly in my path.  It was at that time that my boys started watching the Disney movie, "Meet the Robinsons."  One of the wise themes of the movie is, "Keeping Moving Forward."  I felt Heavenly Father gently moving me forward and providing light on the path forward.  Often the light came from a strangers like my new doctor, my online gratitude buddy or a hidden kindred spirit friend like my neighbor.  Each of whom (among others) I credit with getting me through this very difficult time.

Great article in this month's Ensign on Forgiveness & the Atonement

Ensign Article:  Anticipating the Need to Forgive

Going Forward with Gratitude

Besides the Atonement, if I had to credit one thing with my survival during my divorce, it would be Gratitude.

It's kind of an interesting story: Very late one night during the dark days of my marriage, I was researching one of our main concerns online. I came across an article which gave a link to an online group of women suffering from my same concern. I joined the group. I expected to find women like me who loved their spouse and were searching for answers. With one or two exceptions, many were there to complain and speak harshly against their husbands. The love for their spouse was far gone.

One of the exceptions, I will call GB for Gratitude Buddy. She had a strong Christian faith and a searching soul. Soon we started communicating via our personal email accounts. A few times she sent me a long laundry list of her all her problems and challenges. I, feeling overwhelmed with my own challenges, told her in a personal email that I was not in a place to bear all her challenges as well. It hit a nerve. She made a farewell announcement to our online group and pulled all of her postings and left. I was devastated. I emailed her and told her how much her connection meant to me and how valuable her searching and faith in God were and that it was just that one area I needed to draw a boundary for my own personal well-being. Fortunately, she forgave me and we stayed in touch. Although, neither one of us continued our association with the online group again. A few months later, she told me she was having challenges with her Daily Gratitude partner and asked if I would be her new one. We started with 10 Daily Gratitudes which in a few days was downgraded to 3 Daily Gratitudes. (I tell you this back story only so you can see the miracles that led to us finding each other, staying in touch and eventually becoming Gratitude Buddies.)


Finding Gratitude while experiencing the most difficult time of my life was (and continues to be) truly life changing. I started seeing Heavenly Father's Guiding Hand in the daily stepping stones being placed in my path, urging me forward in this journey. Some days, the miracles are huge and undeniable. Other days, the miracles are seemingly small or even hidden .  But by doing the daily Gratitude, I am uncovering them and giving God my sincere thanks. For me, Gratitude, has an inherent "Thanks be to God"-ness about it. So, I see my Daily Gratitudes as direct acknowledgement and thankfulness to God that I see Him in my life.

Interestingly, I had been given a Gratitude journal from my mom for Christmas the year before my GB asked me to join her. I had only written in it a handful of times. Having a buddy to whom I had made a pact to do it, was essential for me to become consistent. I believe it is very helpful to have a live person who keeps us honest in doing it daily. For me it has been helpful to have "a stranger" - someone not so integrated in my life. For others, it might be helpful to do it with their spouse or family member or best friend. My GB is doing a shorter version (One Daily Gratitude) with her son with whom she sometimes has struggles. Whether it is a journal, a prayer, or a person, I highly recommend writing down Daily Gratitudes.

Another thing I highly recommend - adding a Gratitude specifically about your spouse or former spouse. One day after it became clear that divorce was the path my marriage would take, my GB asked if we could add one Daily Gratitude related to our spouses. I thought she must be nuts to expect me to be able to find something daily (are you kidding me?!!?!!) for which to be grateful about him. (It should be noted that she has decided to stay in her marriage at least until her children are out of the house.)  So, it made sense that she do a daily gratitude, but I didn't think I needed to. However, I decided to humor her and do it anyway. 

For nearly 2 1/2 years now, I have been doing Daily Gratitudes with my GB. For one year, we have been adding an additional Gratitude for our spouse - now my former spouse. This has blessed me so very much to find a Gratitude for him. I believe it is the 2nd key that has kept me in a place of love and compassion for  my former spouse and out of resentment and anger (the first key being forgiveness and the Atonement). By not having entered in the vicious cycle of anger and resentment, my behaviors to him are honorable and positive, which in turn gives him the opportunity to treat me with the same respect. The result is that he is a better ex than he was a husband. We are much better friends and co-parents. It is a miracle and I credit my GB and God for it.

The final thing I want to share is that our Gratitudes evolved to contain two daily meditations. One includes a daily scripture and thought from God Calling by Two Listeners and the other is a daily quote from the book The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie. These, as well, have been such a huge blessing. GB and I are very often astounded at how "meant to be" they are as they are so applicable to what we are experiencing that very day. We often use the term "uncanny" to describe how it says exactly what we need to hear that day. Hope you can also utilize one or both of these or something else that will do the same for you :)

HUGS!

ps  One final note - my GB found a VB (venting buddy).  For her it is a stress reliever to vent her problems and issues and she has found someone else who feels the same way.  I am grateful she searched out another buddy to meet that need for her :)

Start with the End in Mind

My brother went through a particuarly nasty and expensive divorce.  One day, my then father-in-law (who is a family law attorney) asked me how my brother was doing.  I responded with a question, "How can two people who once loved each other so much do this?"  His response was, "Divorce brings out the worst in people."  I thought that was a healthy perspective for someone who lives dealing with divorce day in and day out.

I never thought that conversation would have any personal application for me.  Fast forward three years.  I was facing my own divorce.  I vividly recalled those words.  I was determined that, instead, my divorce would bring out the best in me.

Also, I was determined that our 8 and 10 year old boys would truly come first.  Everyone's situation is unique.  In my situation, I  had nearly two years between the decision to divorce and the divorce.  I studied divorce a lot.  I also had many tender mercies that let me know that the boys and I would be okay. One such tender mercy happened when I had gone to my primary care physician for an antidepressant.  My former doctor had retired, so I was sent to a new and young doctor.  I told her about my situation.  She asked about children. I told her about our boys.  Her response was, "Kids are resilient.  They will be okay."  She then told me she is a child of divorce (yes, this beautiful and happily married doctor!)  She told me what helped her was that her parents lived a mile apart not because they wanted to; but they did it for her.

Another tender mercy was seeing Gary Neuman on Oprah.  He said that it wasn't divorce so much, but the loss of a parent, that most affects children of divorce.  Sometimes, one parent leaves physically and the parent who is left behind leaves emotionally and the children are left alone.

I could not control the fact that my children's parents were getting a divorce.  But I knew I may be able to influence the type of divorce our children would experience.  I approached MFH (my former husband) with the idea of an authentically amicable divorce for the boys.  He, fortunately, agreed.  And he has lived up to that commitment.

The KEY I believe to doing this, for me, was relying on the healing power of the Atonement.  After allowing myself to experience the loss and the grief of the divorce, I was literally able to access the part of the Atonement that heals pains and sorrows.  Alma 17:11, "And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people."  I did not need to carry the burden of the pain and sorrow - especially that part that quickly turns to anger and resentment.

I have observed that staying in anger and resentment results in a need or desire to punish the former spouse.  I had talked to a few friends also going through divorce.  Many did not want to comply in any way with any of the former spouses wants or desires because, "They don't deserve it." or "Then they win."  In reality,  if you approach decisions this way, you both lose and the children are the biggest losers of all. (***Please hear me that all of this is filtered through healthy boundaries.  If the former spouse desires anything that is abusive to you or the children then of course don't comply.) Most likely, the former spouse still has the potential to be a good father to his and your children.

In my case, MFH was rarely at home when we were married - especially the last dark years.  We rarely went any where as a family.  Therefore he did not spend a lot of time with the boys.  As we separated, he really stepped up.  He spends a significant more amount of time with them.  He has taken trips with them, gone to their games much more often and has just been a full participant in their lives.  The year before our divorce he never sat next to me at their games when he was there.  Now, he sits next to the child not in the game who is sitting next to me.  A small miracle --made possible, I believe, by the fact that I hold no anger or resentment against him.  I encourage MFH and the boys to be together whenever possible.  I gladly accept his offers to take them and to be with them on days not court appointed to be his.  The key for us has been a scheduled visitiation routine but with flexiblity.  We have supported each other in schedule and need changes.

Again - I realize circumstances are different for everyone.  My circumstances will not be yours.  But I believe the principles for the best place for you and your children in your circumstances are universal:

1)  Begin with the end in mind - what do you want for yourself and for your children?

2)  Let divorce bring out the best in you.

3)  Make all decisions based on what is best for the children.

4)  Allow our Savior Jesus Christ to heal your hurts, pains and wounds by the power of His infinite and eternal Atonement. 

Finally, I recently read that Our Savior could have known our sorrows through revelation, but He chose to experience it first hand.  He knows the pain we feel and knows the remedy for it:  love and forgiveness.  A talk in this past General Conference explained that to access the Atonement for our SINS is predicated upon REPENTENCE.  To access the power of the Attonement for our pains and sorrows caused by others, it is predicated on FORGIVENESS.  "If I forgive him, then he gets to have his cake and eat it, too, " is what I have heard.  If you forgive him, you are free to move forward without the extra burden.  Your former spouse will receive his justice with or without your forgiveness.  God's justice and mercy are perfect.  Your life will open and your burden will lighten as you let go of all the wrongs from the marriage and turn that burden over to our Lord and Savior.

It is my prayer that this message as been understood as I have intended it and that it can make a difference in your life as it has in mine.

All my best - my sistas!  HUGS...

Feeling the Grief

I keep remembering the line in the "Families are Forever" video, "I did not get married to get divorced."  I didn't.  I got married to someone with whom I was really in love.  I thought it was forever.  (I was warned though:  as we drove away from the temple, I said to him, "Now you are stuck with me forever!"  His oh-so-romantic reply was, "I don't like to think about that..."  A clue - yeah!  Hello.)

I still wake up in the middle of the night.  Last night I awoke and started to read facebook.  I came across my former spouses brothers' family pictures of their summer vacations.  I also came across the last family picture we took 2 years ago.  Tears came.  The sobs came.  It wasn't supposed to be this way.  But it is.

Acceptance -

It is a very important stage in the Grief Cycle, but it is not the first stage.  My therapist explained it is also not linear - meaning even when we have achieved acceptance, we still can go back to denial or depression.  This has surprised me.  Because I do have good days when I seem to have accepted it and to be moving forward.  Then a photo or someone cleaning out his jetski can send me right back.

Found this online:

• Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
• Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
• Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
• Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
• Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

I love the quote attributed to Saint Francis of Assisi,“Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”   

Acceptance will help us out of anger and depression.  It was not "supposed" to be this way, but it is.  It is. 

At the talk I gave last week at Single Adult Conference, I met an older woman.  She came up to me and told me that she has buried two husbands and was just recently going through a divorce.  She said a divorce has been far more difficult for her.  That validated my suspicion.  Think of the space, love and support we give people who have lost a spouse.  That is the what we need to give ourselves.  This is a very difficult time.  We will come out.  We can come out much stronger and with more faith in God.

I have a prayer and gratitude friend.  We have a daily meditation from God Calling and also a daily thought from Melodie Beattie's book Language of Letting Go.

Today's meditation came in DIRECT and UNCANNY answer to my early morning cries:

September 17 - Faltering Steps

Show me Thy way, O Lord, and let us walk in Thy Paths.

You are doing so. This is the way. The way of uncertain future and faltering steps. It is My Way ...

Put all fear of the future aside. Know that you will be led. Know that you will be shown. I have promised.

Blessed be the Lord God of my master Abraham.. I, being in the way,
the Lord led me to the house of my master's brethren. - Genesis 24:27

Welcome Sistas!

I gave a lesson today for women at a local LDS Singles Conference.  I was astounded at the women that approached me after.  I exchanged phone numbers with the women at the conference rather than with the men.  What a boost to see other attractive, sharp and gospel oriented women in a similar position as me.  (I am only 2 1/2 months divorced and was not yet ready to swap info with the guys... :)

My lesson was on CHANGE.

I used conference talks from April 2011.  One was Elder Robbin's talk on What Matter of Men and Women Ought Ye to Be?

I also used two talks on the Atonement that help us to overcome the pain of sins of others against us.  One was Elder C. Scott Grow's talk, The Miracle of the Atonement and Elder Richard's talk,  the Atonement Covers All Pain.

The Atonement is the number one reason of how I have come out of my divorce as intact as I have.  I have literally been able to allow the healing part of the Atonement to lighten my load and allow me to move forward without anger or resentment.

I discovered something new from Elder Grow's talk.  In order to access the Atonement for our sins, it is on CONDITION of REPENTENCE.  In order to access the healing power of the Atonement that covers the pains caused by the sins of others, it is on the CONDITION of FORGIVENESS.

I have a LOT to say about forgiveness.  I will save that for another blog.

Thank you for joining me on this journey!

XOXOOX!