Start with the End in Mind

My brother went through a particuarly nasty and expensive divorce.  One day, my then father-in-law (who is a family law attorney) asked me how my brother was doing.  I responded with a question, "How can two people who once loved each other so much do this?"  His response was, "Divorce brings out the worst in people."  I thought that was a healthy perspective for someone who lives dealing with divorce day in and day out.

I never thought that conversation would have any personal application for me.  Fast forward three years.  I was facing my own divorce.  I vividly recalled those words.  I was determined that, instead, my divorce would bring out the best in me.

Also, I was determined that our 8 and 10 year old boys would truly come first.  Everyone's situation is unique.  In my situation, I  had nearly two years between the decision to divorce and the divorce.  I studied divorce a lot.  I also had many tender mercies that let me know that the boys and I would be okay. One such tender mercy happened when I had gone to my primary care physician for an antidepressant.  My former doctor had retired, so I was sent to a new and young doctor.  I told her about my situation.  She asked about children. I told her about our boys.  Her response was, "Kids are resilient.  They will be okay."  She then told me she is a child of divorce (yes, this beautiful and happily married doctor!)  She told me what helped her was that her parents lived a mile apart not because they wanted to; but they did it for her.

Another tender mercy was seeing Gary Neuman on Oprah.  He said that it wasn't divorce so much, but the loss of a parent, that most affects children of divorce.  Sometimes, one parent leaves physically and the parent who is left behind leaves emotionally and the children are left alone.

I could not control the fact that my children's parents were getting a divorce.  But I knew I may be able to influence the type of divorce our children would experience.  I approached MFH (my former husband) with the idea of an authentically amicable divorce for the boys.  He, fortunately, agreed.  And he has lived up to that commitment.

The KEY I believe to doing this, for me, was relying on the healing power of the Atonement.  After allowing myself to experience the loss and the grief of the divorce, I was literally able to access the part of the Atonement that heals pains and sorrows.  Alma 17:11, "And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people."  I did not need to carry the burden of the pain and sorrow - especially that part that quickly turns to anger and resentment.

I have observed that staying in anger and resentment results in a need or desire to punish the former spouse.  I had talked to a few friends also going through divorce.  Many did not want to comply in any way with any of the former spouses wants or desires because, "They don't deserve it." or "Then they win."  In reality,  if you approach decisions this way, you both lose and the children are the biggest losers of all. (***Please hear me that all of this is filtered through healthy boundaries.  If the former spouse desires anything that is abusive to you or the children then of course don't comply.) Most likely, the former spouse still has the potential to be a good father to his and your children.

In my case, MFH was rarely at home when we were married - especially the last dark years.  We rarely went any where as a family.  Therefore he did not spend a lot of time with the boys.  As we separated, he really stepped up.  He spends a significant more amount of time with them.  He has taken trips with them, gone to their games much more often and has just been a full participant in their lives.  The year before our divorce he never sat next to me at their games when he was there.  Now, he sits next to the child not in the game who is sitting next to me.  A small miracle --made possible, I believe, by the fact that I hold no anger or resentment against him.  I encourage MFH and the boys to be together whenever possible.  I gladly accept his offers to take them and to be with them on days not court appointed to be his.  The key for us has been a scheduled visitiation routine but with flexiblity.  We have supported each other in schedule and need changes.

Again - I realize circumstances are different for everyone.  My circumstances will not be yours.  But I believe the principles for the best place for you and your children in your circumstances are universal:

1)  Begin with the end in mind - what do you want for yourself and for your children?

2)  Let divorce bring out the best in you.

3)  Make all decisions based on what is best for the children.

4)  Allow our Savior Jesus Christ to heal your hurts, pains and wounds by the power of His infinite and eternal Atonement. 

Finally, I recently read that Our Savior could have known our sorrows through revelation, but He chose to experience it first hand.  He knows the pain we feel and knows the remedy for it:  love and forgiveness.  A talk in this past General Conference explained that to access the Atonement for our SINS is predicated upon REPENTENCE.  To access the power of the Attonement for our pains and sorrows caused by others, it is predicated on FORGIVENESS.  "If I forgive him, then he gets to have his cake and eat it, too, " is what I have heard.  If you forgive him, you are free to move forward without the extra burden.  Your former spouse will receive his justice with or without your forgiveness.  God's justice and mercy are perfect.  Your life will open and your burden will lighten as you let go of all the wrongs from the marriage and turn that burden over to our Lord and Savior.

It is my prayer that this message as been understood as I have intended it and that it can make a difference in your life as it has in mine.

All my best - my sistas!  HUGS...