I remember when I started the divorce process, it seemed impossible to navigate. I remember thinking, "I will never get through this." I felt like I was walking through slowly drying cement.
One thing I held on to was the answer I had received when praying about divorce. I had been reading, searching, studying, fasting and praying for months. MFH and I had had several discussions about it. We had sought out a counselor to see if there was anything we could do to preserve the marriage.
At one point, I was pretty discouraged. My bishop asked me to fast with him and invite my family to participate. I asked them to put us in their prayers and told them I could not give them the specifics of what to ask for. I started my fast on a Saturday afternoon. I woke up in the middle of that night feeling a tremendous amount of peace with the words, "amicable divorce".
I attended a fireside that next day. The speaker shared the scripture he shared with me in a
private session of Moroni and his love for the Lamenites even after he had
witnessed them destroying his people, the verses in Ether 12 and Moroni 1
of his love for them - but the fact he could not "dwell with them...lest
they destroy him." He also talked in the fireside about the fruits
of the Spirit - all of which I have had in abundance that weekend - love,
peace, joy, among others...
I had been singing, Amazing Grace for the weeks previous in my head. (It was after the earthquake in Haiti. I had seen on the news a group singing it in front of their demolished church.) I decided to listen to it
professionally sung and found a beautiful acapella version of Amazing Grace on YouTube by Hayley Westenra. I scrolled down the playlist, listening to many of her songs,
while cleaning the house. I had a dialogue in my head that I had
started at 3am that morning of the things I want my husband to know and
feel. I came to a duet
with Hayley and Andrea Bocelli singing Time to Say Goodbye and felt an even more powerful feeling that this was the
right direction for us.
I was asked a few times by well meaning ward and family members if I had prayed about the divorce and if I had received an answer. It seems counter-intuitive to our LDS culture that one could get a "yes" answer to a prayer about divorce. Many were surprised when I told them that I had received confirmation to divorce. I am so grateful for that spiritual confirmation as it carried me through many dark and difficult days that were ahead (and continue now) for me in that journey. I had to (and still have to) continue to "... press forward... having a perfect brightness of hope and love of God and all men..."
Yes, that "all men" includes my former husband. Staying in a place of love for him has laid the foundation for many, many miracles in this divorce. The main one being that we are better friends and coparents today than ever before. He has been generous financially and our boys are doing remarkably well under the cirmcumstances. My youngest recently brought home a paragraph he wrote about our family in school. The closing line was, "My life is pretty great so far." A miracle. Yes, it is. I am humbled by it and give all the credit to Heavenly Father for His guiding hand in leading me through this process, forward out of darkness into a "perfect brightness of hope".
Much love to you my sistas. We can make it through!
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