I believe seeking support is such a balance to strike in our lives and especially when we are going through some very challenging times in marriage. We definitely need a support system. But at the same time we need privacy. Privacy kept me quiet for a very long time. I only began opening up as I saw people Heavenly Father had put in my life and saw that they could be trusted. That is not to say that I have not been burned. I have been. But it did not stop me from finding a great network of help.
The first person I had in my support system was my BFF. She had known all along of my challenges. I am so glad I had a trusted person to share everything with over the years. This is tricky as it is hard to find a friend who will a) keep confidences and b) listen without judgment. She had a talent for always being able to still hold a positive opinion about my former husband (MFH). (I believe we both had a role in that - her role was not judging him and my role was not vilifying him. My whole goal was not to demean or present him in a bad light - but to find help for us.)
My mom had also been someone I shared a lot of my life with. But as things worsened in my marriage, I had stopped telling her about those marital challenges as I did not want to change how she felt about my husband. She had adored him. (And at the same time, she recognized his stinker boy-ness. If I had a dollar for every time I heard, "That ornery little s*&%!" :) I did not fool her though by my withdrawal. She knew something was wrong. (I was never good at trying to pull one over on her.) And she was waiting for me when I did open up with open arms.
Another source of support is church leadership. About one and a half years ago, I went to a leader in my stake presidency. I went to him because he had a therapeutic background. He was extremely insightful and helpful. He talked to me for a while then gave me a blessing. After the blessing, he sat down again and asked a few more questions. I could tell he was on to identifying one of our challenges. However, instead of agreeing to meet with me on an ongoing basis, he pointed me the direction of my bishop. I was disappointed in that because my bishop was MFH's best friend. It ended up being good advice. My bishop was a wonderful support as well. If anyone could have intervened and helped our situation, it was him. MFH trusted him and looked up to him. However, his attempts to change our situation did not succeed. Agency is a powerful principle. And perception is its main tool. Anything can be justified by one's perception. It has so much power that we don't recognize that there is any other perspective other than our own. We also don't recognize how life and, I believe; the adversary distorts and clouds our perception so much that it barely resembles reality.
About four months after that meeting with the stake presidency member, I ran into him at a General Relief Society meeting. He called me over and opened his arms to give me a hug and asked how I was doing. I told him not to do that as I would cry, which I did. A few days later, I got a call from my Bishop with an offer from the presidency member to see me for a few visits. He was truly a godsend. I felt like he picked me up and dusted me off and pointed me the right direction with a gentle nudge and got me on my way. Two of the powerful things he did was a) helped me to resolve or put into perspective some of my "challenges" I was having with the Church. (This I see in retrospect was extremely urgent because I have needed Heavenly Father more in my life now than at any other time.) and b) he shared a powerful insight from the Book of Mormon. He got knee to knee with me and looked me straight in the eye and opened up Moroni 1. He talked about how much love Moroni had for the Lamenites - so much so that he finishing his father's life's work of compiling all the records of the Book of Mormon for "their benefit". This after the Lamenites had killed his father and family and all of his people. Moroni still had a love for them. However, as the presidency member pointed out in Moroni 1:1, "...I make not myself know to the Lamenites lest they should destroy me." (Italics added for emphasis.) It was a powerful moment for me for many reasons. The main being I could still love MFH and at the same time I needed to not be with him as I was being destroyed. And I was.
After a few visits with the presidency member, I ended up going to a therapist for ongoing visits. He, too, was invaluable. He taught me about so many things which I will write about in other posts.
There are several other people who were invaluable for me during this time: some I have written about and some I will write about in more detail in future posts. The list will look different for every person but I believe the categories could be similar:
2) Family member/s (meaning family of origin). Many people have a sister. I do not, but I had my mom and ironically MFH sister. My brothers have also helped a lot at various times: I have the brother who had gone through his own divorce, a brother who is an attorney who helped me with legal questions (as well as gave me lots of love and support) and lastly my "Buddha brother" (if you have ever seen any of the "Buddies" movies you will understand). My Buddha brother is a wise man. He taught me about meditation and some advanced life skills that have been essential in my forward movement and progression.
3) Church leaders. Most of the time, this will be a Bishop. It was so helpful to have Spiritual reinforcement of the decisions I was making and the whole process I was experiencing. Notibly, half way through my divorce process we had a change in our relief society presidency. Our new president had been through divorce (over 13 years ago). She has been a rock for me and a true example of overcoming this difficult situation. She is also a beacon of hope as she has found a WONDERFUL match and new husband.
4) Therapist. Every time I write out a check I think, "This is worth every penny." I will share some of the skills and things I have learned on later posts. Sometimes it takes a little "shopping around" to find a good match.
5) Attorney. It took me four tries to find a good match for me in this category. I will share more about this on another post.
I am sure I am missing a category as this list is not exhaustive - but hopefully it will help you in your journey of coming out of this process in standing position and facing the right direction :) as it has for me.
Much Love to You my Sistas!
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