Sunday, October 2, 2011

You Can Still Love Him Because that is Who You Are

One of my favorite forms of self care is a Body Flow class at my gym.  Body Flow is a combination of Tai Chi, Yoga and Pilates.  In one of my very first classes, I was forming a move called the triangle.  I was thinking of my then husband and had the thought, "How do I stop loving him?"  Just as quickly came the response, "You don't stop loving him.  Because that is who you are.  You are love."

That was a huge epiphany and such a relief.  I have tried to move the romantic love to a compassionate, friend type love.  I am no longer in love with him.   But I do still love him.  I want his happiness and wellbeing.  I want him in the lives of our boys forever.  Since I, too, am in the lives of my boys - that means he is and will be in my life - especially until the boys are grown and gone. 

I have joined a LDS singles' website.  This is not doing anything to attract men, but my opening paragraph is , "I am permanent to the area as my boys' well being is my top priorty and their relationship with their dad is vital for that wellbeing, so I will not date outside my area."  There are not a lot of local options online.  As much as I long for a loving, compatible marriage relationship, I do not want it at the expense of my boys' maintaining a strong relationship with their dad.

Fortunately, I have also been able to maintain a relationship with my former inlaws.  My former husband's (MFH) sister is the sister I never had.  While she was aware of some of our challenges (most of which could be and were observed rather than divulged), I never wanted to jeopardize her love for her brother.  And she maintains her love for us both.  MFH and I have not made any of our family members or friends choose between the two of us.  I have received many emails, cards, letters and calls from his family members expressing their love and support for both of us.  I am grateful for that.  I want to maintain my relationship with them.  I love them dearly as I do my own family of origin.  What a blessing to still have them in my boys' and my life.
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5 comments:

  1. SoCalSingleMamaJuly 2, 2013 at 11:57 PM

    Your story sounds SO MUCH like mine. I know you wrote this a long time ago but just reading online instead of sleeping and stumbled across your blog.

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    1. JenniferJuly 3, 2013 at 4:31 AM

      That happened for me too early in my process. I came across a website dealing with one of my issues. I ended up connecting with someone who is still a friend to this day.

      What is yor story?

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  2. SoCalSingleMamaJuly 5, 2013 at 11:32 PM

    Divorced, LDS, two kids - and then that I also feel like divorce was the best thing (even though it's typically not considered by our community to be that), and even felt the spiritual "ok" to move forward with it - that I still love him even though he has made it clear he doesn't want to be with me. His sister is my best friend and I've kept a great relationship with his family.

    I never in a million years imagined I would end up a divorced mom and honestly, I don't really know what to do with myself. I'm lucky to have a great career and don't have to worry too much about the financial aspect, so that alone is a huge blessing, but my dream in life was to raise a family with someone I love, and I feel like I'm doing it alone now. I'm not sure when to start dating again? How does one date with a full time job and two kids - do I just wait unitl they are in college (they are toddlers now)? Not sure how to do any major activity alone with two toddlers (whether it is an hour of sitting in sacrament meeting, a trip to the zoo, road trip to see grandma and grandpa, etc). All these things I wanted to do as a family, I have to re-write to figure out how to either do alone or with an extended family member. It's not what I imagined at all.....I think I am very much still in an adjustment period.

    thanks for the Friday night ramble. :-)

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  3. JenniferJuly 11, 2013 at 5:37 AM

    SoCal Single Mama

    So good to hear from you again. If you know of a way we can email each other privately without posting our emails, LMK.

    I hear you in stereo. My take on you is you are educated, intelligent and strong. As you listen to and follow your heart, you will know what to do on dating and travel, etc. My therapist taught me a lot about self care and I now filter most all decisions through that---at some moments that is resting at home not dating or traveling. At other times, self care is socializing or creating family memories. Yes you are still a family! (I feel another blog post title coming on :)

    Hang in there - you are not alone and it does get much, much better. Keep moving forward and rest stops are ok for a time :)

    Hugs!

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  4. SoCalSingleMamaJuly 11, 2013 at 8:43 AM

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